Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Trash Day

It's trash day.  It all seems so simple. Unless... you're my mother's daughter.
Yes. My mom micromanages how I take out the trash.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm not the most coordinated person.
Imagine me trying to carry too many things, and dropping absolutely everything in my grasp while desperately trying to hold onto all of it.

Now, imagine all of those things being trash.

Consequently, I like to throw trash away in smaller batches, to give it a better shot at actually ending up in the trash.  I think that this is reasonable, but my dear mother is not quite in agreement.

Every time I take a trashbag out the door, I can hear my mom shouting, "You forgot one! Come back!"

So, I shout back, "No I didn't.  I'll make 2 trips!"

Unfortunately, my mom meets me halfway with the rest of the trash, fully expecting me to carry everything.  "Be careful. It's really heavy."
What she doesn't know is that past trips to the trashcan holding all I can carry are akin to the slapstick humor of a cartoon.  The scene would end with me muttering obscenities as I retrieved the trash strewn all over the yard.

And there are various reasons why this could possibly happen:  The trash in the bag is too heavy and the bag breaks halfway to the trashcan.  Multiple trash bags obscure my vision of the ground beneath me and I trip, sending garbage everywhere.  The trash bag has a hole in the bottom and there's a mysterious fluid.  You get the point.

Eventually, I just tell her how making 2 trips ends up being much shorter in the long run, because cleaning up the possible disaster that could ensue will surely take longer than that second trip to the trashbins.  I explain to her that, as long as the trash gets taken out, why does it have to all go out exactly at the same time as long as it gets in the bin before the trash collector comes?

"Oh," she says.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Top 10 Reasons Why She's a Really Bad Passenger:

10. She'll distract you by feeding you apples she pares in the front seat. (Thoughtful, but really, can't we just eat the apples whole and not have someone wielding a sharp knife in a moving vehicle?)
9. She'll leave leftovers in the crevices of your car, deny that she has done so, and then complain that your car smells 3 days later.
8. She will try to give you directions. With hand signals. She will not understand why you do not understand "I told you to turn that way."
7. She will randomly exclaim, "We're lost! You have no idea where we're going!" whenever it takes longer than 15 minutes to arrive at any destination.
6. Heaven forbid that you actually make a wrong turn anywhere, because she will complain for the duration of the trip about your navigation and driving skills, even though she doesn't prefer driving on her own, and it was her idea to go to a new place that is very far away.
5. She won't directly tell you she doesn't like your route, she'll just complain passive-aggressively that "the other way is faster" or "the other way has less lights."
4. You are always driving too fast...unless she has somewhere to be. Then, you are always driving too slow.
3. She will give you directions exactly at the second they need to be happening. "don't turn yet, don't turn yet...ok, right there!"
2.If you have a map with directions printed out, she will want to read it to you. No matter how many times you try to tell her to read direction 25, she will start at the top of the page.
1. On long roadtrips, when she is bored, she will read every sign out loud for you. EVERY one. Call box. Exit. Street names. Speed limits.  She will only do this when everyone else is asleep, so no one else can witness this madness, nor will anyone believe you when they do finally wake.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Old Enough

Today old friend found me on Facebook. Someone I haven't seen in 20 years. She's technically my adopted cousin. My aunt isn't the greatest at forgiveness, and at some point shunned her from the family for eloping.  I had always wondered what became of her, still hoping for the best, because of our fond memories during my childhood.
Today over lunch, I told my mom that she had found me after all these years.
And my mom, started a story with the words, "You were too young to know back then, but I'll tell you now..."

And then she answered the phone and talked for about 20 minutes about how I had the stomach flu last week.

When she got off the phone, she started talking about homeopathic medicine.

"MOM, FINISH THE STORY. The suspense is killing me."

She proceeds to tell me that this friend uses everyone she knows. She abuses relationships to her advantage.

All I can remember is that this girl treated me like I was a princess every time I came to visit.  Despite the person she may have become, this is how I have chosen to remember her.  We all have our flaws, and we all make mistakes too.  At some point in our lives, we all lend money to people who will never repay us.

She says I trust too easily. That's probably true. It's not something I hate about myself enough to want to change though.