Trash Day

It's trash day.  It all seems so simple. Unless... you're my mother's daughter.
Yes. My mom micromanages how I take out the trash.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm not the most coordinated person.
Imagine me trying to carry too many things, and dropping absolutely everything in my grasp while desperately trying to hold onto all of it.

Now, imagine all of those things being trash.

Consequently, I like to throw trash away in smaller batches, to give it a better shot at actually ending up in the trash.  I think that this is reasonable, but my dear mother is not quite in agreement.

Every time I take a trashbag out the door, I can hear my mom shouting, "You forgot one! Come back!"

So, I shout back, "No I didn't.  I'll make 2 trips!"

Unfortunately, my mom meets me halfway with the rest of the trash, fully expecting me to carry everything.  "Be careful. It's really heavy."
 
What she doesn't know is that past trips to the trashcan holding all I can carry are akin to the slapstick humor of a cartoon.  The scene would end with me muttering obscenities as I retrieved the trash strewn all over the yard.

And there are various reasons why this could possibly happen:  The trash in the bag is too heavy and the bag breaks halfway to the trashcan.  Multiple trash bags obscure my vision of the ground beneath me and I trip, sending garbage everywhere.  The trash bag has a hole in the bottom and there's a mysterious fluid.  You get the point.

Eventually, I just tell her how making 2 trips ends up being much shorter in the long run, because cleaning up the possible disaster that could ensue will surely take longer than that second trip to the trashbins.  I explain to her that, as long as the trash gets taken out, why does it have to all go out exactly at the same time as long as it gets in the bin before the trash collector comes?

"Oh," she says.

Top 10 Reasons Why She's a Really Bad Passenger:

10. She'll distract you by feeding you apples she pares in the front seat. (Thoughtful, but really, can't we just eat the apples whole and not have someone wielding a sharp knife in a moving vehicle?)
9. She'll leave leftovers in the crevices of your car, deny that she has done so, and then complain that your car smells 3 days later.
8. She will try to give you directions. With hand signals. She will not understand why you do not understand "I told you to turn that way."
7. She will randomly exclaim, "We're lost! You have no idea where we're going!" whenever it takes longer than 15 minutes to arrive at any destination.
6. Heaven forbid that you actually make a wrong turn anywhere, because she will complain for the duration of the trip about your navigation and driving skills, even though she doesn't prefer driving on her own, and it was her idea to go to a new place that is very far away.
5. She won't directly tell you she doesn't like your route, she'll just complain passive-aggressively that "the other way is faster" or "the other way has less lights."
4. You are always driving too fast...unless she has somewhere to be. Then, you are always driving too slow.
3. She will give you directions exactly at the second they need to be happening. "don't turn yet, don't turn yet...ok, right there!"
2.If you have a map with directions printed out, she will want to read it to you. No matter how many times you try to tell her to read direction 25, she will start at the top of the page.
1. On long roadtrips, when she is bored, she will read every sign out loud for you. EVERY one. Call box. Exit. Street names. Speed limits.  She will only do this when everyone else is asleep, so no one else can witness this madness, nor will anyone believe you when they do finally wake.

Old Enough

Today old friend found me on Facebook. Someone I haven't seen in 20 years. She's technically my adopted cousin. My aunt isn't the greatest at forgiveness, and at some point shunned her from the family for eloping.  I had always wondered what became of her, still hoping for the best, because of our fond memories during my childhood.
Today over lunch, I told my mom that she had found me after all these years.
And my mom, started a story with the words, "You were too young to know back then, but I'll tell you now..."

And then she answered the phone and talked for about 20 minutes about how I had the stomach flu last week.

When she got off the phone, she started talking about homeopathic medicine.

"MOM, FINISH THE STORY. The suspense is killing me."

She proceeds to tell me that this friend uses everyone she knows. She abuses relationships to her advantage.

All I can remember is that this girl treated me like I was a princess every time I came to visit.  Despite the person she may have become, this is how I have chosen to remember her.  We all have our flaws, and we all make mistakes too.  At some point in our lives, we all lend money to people who will never repay us.

She says I trust too easily. That's probably true. It's not something I hate about myself enough to want to change though.

Mess

Before I begin this story, there are a couple of things you need to know:
1. I am really clumsy.
2. My mom never puts things in the same place.

Today I tried to carry too many things back into the house. Usually I know better, and I make 2 trips. However, it has been really hot lately, and I felt like just getting in the house as quickly as I could.
I dropped a glass jar in the driveway. The glass shattered all over the driveway and the sidewalk.
I hurried inside, shouting "Mom, do you know where the broom is?"

"Why do you need the broom?" she asked.

"I broke something. Where is the broom?"

"What did you break?"

"MOM! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE THE BROOM IS?!?"

"I think it might be by the trash can."

She never gets my sense of urgency until I use my loud teacher voice. And if there's anything I've learned, asking her a question turns her into a 4 year old, questioning your every move.

Sister

Yup. I was one of those girls who grew up in a predominantly male family.  I have 3 brothers.  And about 11 years ago, one of them brought home Joann, and now have this amazing sister-in-law.  This may have been better than actually growing up with a sister, because we never had to fight over toys or the affections of our parents.  Years ago, Joann asked my mom if she could call her "mom" too, and she said yes.
Joann does a great job of nurturing my adventurous side.  To date, we've gone skydiving, parasailing, ziplining and rolled down a mountain in a zorb together.
Mom is constantly finding deals online for us to expand our adventure repertoire.  So last summer she financed our kayaking trip in Newport.
We talked. We paddled.  We laughed. We saw a sleeping sea lion, towards whom the waves quickly pushed me.  I struggled to put my cell phone away and continue paddling in the opposite direction as it woke up.  For a few brief moments, I thought that my brother's speculations had come true: I would meet my fate at the hands of a wild animal whose personal space I had violated.
On my Facebook, I had posted:

Went kayaking with my sister and saw this guy along the way. Thanks Mom!  

To which my mom replied: "You don't have a sister."

The Gasoline Fairy

Since my mom's car broke down, she's been driving mine whenever she's in town. When she got back from her trip this time, I told her that the car really needs gas. So she takes it to the gas station and swipes her card. The gas pump clicks off and she looks up.

Forty-one cents.

She figures something's wrong with her credit card, so she tries another. The pump clicked off immediately. She goes in to talk to the cashier, who says maybe she should just try cash.

Then the cashier was confused.  He had even come out to the pump to help my mom pump the gas.
So my mom decided to just go. And when she turned on the engine, the gas tank was full!
"Did you put gas in the car?" she asked.
"No, I didn't have time," I answered.  "Maybe Jerry did."
So when my brother Jerry got home, we asked him.
"No, I didn't," he said.
"Then WHO did?!?" My mom asked.

Thank you for the tank of gas, whoever you are. Your generosity has confused the dickens out of my poor mother.

Marriage

Today Mom and I went to a bridal shower. As a single person I was asked to contribute a recipe to my friend's collection, since she likes to cook.  Mom, as a married person, was asked to contribute some good marriage advice. She was asked to read it out loud, so I thought I'd share it with you.

1. Praise him for all the good little things he does.

2. If he forgets to do something, tell him it's ok and that there will always be a next time.

3. Make him feel good about himself.

4. Never EVER say the words, "I told you so."

5. Don't make a big deal if he gets lost when he's driving.

She went on to say that she could talk forever, and then handed my friend a book called "How to Have A Great Marriage."